When Olivia Curry was traveling over 100 days a year for her work at a well-known consulting firm, she loved it.* Even after having her first child, Olivia still enjoyed traveling for work. “Most parents won’t admit this,” Olivia says, “but it’s nice to have a break from parenting—to have an adult conversation, rock your work presentation, and enjoy a cocktail with colleagues in a new city after a hard day’s work.” Olivia’s husband had a flexible, part-time remote job in the technology industry, so between daycare and nearby grandparents, the couple managed their situation reasonably well.
It wasn’t until their son, Reilly, was in kindergarten that things changed. “Sometimes, it would take an hour for Reilly to fall asleep on nights that I wasn’t around because he would cry for me to put him to bed. He started acting up in school, and his teachers would tell my husband that they thought my frequent absence was affecting Reilly.” Because her husband had a part-time job and because she had a high-paying position that she liked, it was not easy for Olivia to make a change, but she felt she needed to. She began to feel guilty and realized as her son got older, she would miss more and more important life events.
Olivia was lucky enough to find another job within her same firm that did not require travel, although “I did have to take a significant pay cut,” she tells us. Many parents, however, cannot afford to take a pay cut or easily transition to a new job that does not require travel. And still others may want to continue traveling, loving the freedom Olivia admitted to feeling. Yet, jobs that require travel can cause strain on families.
How a Parent’s Business Travel Can Effect Children
Unfortunately, there is very little research that shows the exact effects that parental absence related to travel can have on children—perhaps because it may be hard to isolate other factors that can influence behavior and emotional development. Yet, a report released in 2000 by Sheraton Hotels at least hints at some of the effects of frequent parental travel. Their research shows that when a parent is away for business, 45% of kids stay up past their bedtimes; 38% do not complete their homework; 22% visit inappropriate websites; and 14% even skip school. Often, the report suggests, these things happen because the parent or caregiver staying home with the children lets them get away with these activities out of guilt or perhaps even mere exhaustion. They also report that kids feel less security when a parent travels, needing a stuffed animal, light, or radio noise to fall asleep.
Jennifer Ricker, the Founder and Executive Director of the nonprofit Rain of Hope, experienced the effects of her frequent traveling first-hand. She tells us a story of coming home from a long business trip to “my kids jumping on the sofa.” “Whoa! Are you allowed to jump on the sofa?” she asked, to which one responded, “Well, we are when you’re not here.” In other words, some rules can be easily broken when one parent is away. While jumping on the sofa is certainly not the end of the world—“fair is fair,” as Ricker tells us about her child’s reaction to the experience—her situation signals the difficulty, when mom or dad is away, of making sure children follow behavioral rules and routines that are important to stability and mature development. Additionally, Curry’s experience with her son Reilly points to the emotional impact of travel.
Certainly, the contexts in which parents travel vary. Some travel during the week, while others travel on the weekends. Some travel only occasionally for professional development; others are true road warriors, missing piano recitals, PTA meetings, proms, bedtimes, family meals, and sometimes even holidays. Ultimately, though, as Melissa Whitson—a licensed psychologist and assistant professor of Psychology at the University of New Haven—puts simply, “Traveling a lot can be tough on you and your kids.” With this double-sided pressure to provide for the family and pressure to be a good parent, how can busy business travelers stay close with their kids when they’re traveling, while making sure the children also have a balanced daily life?
Being transparent about travel plans supports stability
Traveling parents should be transparent about their travel dates, location, and how they intend to keep in touch with the family. Whitson says, “As with everything, when children know what to expect and are prepared ahead of time, they adjust much more easily. Therefore, letting your children know when and for how long you will be gone so they can expect it will help them adjust.” For a younger child, a fun calendar with stickers might make the planning experience exciting.
Parents will also want to let children know what to expect in terms of how often the parent can be in touch and what method they will use. Agreed-upon times to be in touch can help make sure you actually manage to connect. Parents will need to be sure to think about time zone differences, their work events, and school events, so they can be sure that if they commit to a time to talk or video chat, they can stay true to their word, avoiding resentment on the part of the child. Yet, as Meghan Leahy writes in the Washington Post, “Consistency, routine and simplicity are more important than haphazard, convoluted plans to connect that leave you exhausted and annoyed.” If the traveler’s schedule will be unwieldy, it may not be best to try and set specific times to connect or to commit to Skyping every day, for example. Ultimately, it’s most important that the parent sets honest and clear expectations so they can follow through.
Technology helps but can also pose challenges
Clearly, emails, texting, Skype and FaceTime have all made it easier for traveling parents to stay connected with their families. Whitson suggests that, using technologies, “it can be helpful to come up with your own special rituals or games for you and your children that help you keep in touch and can make the time apart fun in some way.” Some of these activities she suggests include “taking pictures with a toy or stuffed animal at different locations and sending them to your child, creating drawings using doodle apps and sending those, or even engaging in online games like Words with Friends for older children.”
It is important, too, to make sure that the use of technology by the traveling parent doesn’t just make that parent out to be the ‘fun’ parent. In other words, while parents can play games with their kids and even watch the family’s favorite TV show with mom and dad over Skype, parents should also make sure that technology allows them to check in about problems and keep kids on task. For example, in the Chicago Tribune, author Joan Cary indicates that some parents ask their children to show them their completed homework via Skype. Conversations can also be about problem-solving, as Cary’s article suggests, with the traveling parent offering input on any issues the child may be having at school or at home.
Bringing your kids on a work trip might be a fun change of pace
A 2008 Expedia study of 1,100 U.S. business travelers showed that 59 percent of business travelers bring along friends or family on work trips. The thought of bringing your kids to the office—let alone on a work trip—might conjure up all sorts of horrifying thoughts. Yet, some believe that occasionally bringing along your child on a business trip may actually have benefits for children, including teaching them lessons about work, how to behave on the road, and instilling a love for travel that may help them be less resistant to parental travel. It also helps them understand why you travel. Bringing your child along could also offer the at-home parent or other caregiver a needed break.
Companies such as Accent on Children’s Arrangements exist primarily for these purposes. They provide childcare for travelers who bring their families with them on work trips, to conventions, and so forth. While the company can provide on-site childcare, they also organize fun and educational tours and can even design arts and crafts activities and parties.
Clearly, the travel would need to work with the child’s school schedule, and parents will want to think carefully about whether a particular business trip would allow them any leisure time with their kids. Parents should make sure their little ones know they have to take their work seriously, but may be able to fit in some fun. After all, in a 2014 Skift survey of international travelers, 60% reported that they’ve taken bleisure trips, meaning they have added vacation days on to their work-related travel.
Material objects have their pros and cons
Everyone loves presents, and what better way to show your children you love and miss them than lavishing them with expensive gifts? Well, bringing your child home an expensive gift after each business trip can potentially have negative effects. It can indicate that you are guilty about traveling, which may increase the child’s resentment. Alternatively, it could also make you out to be the exciting parent, while the at-home caregiver does not get the credit he or she deserves for helping out when you are away. A small, simple gift, such as a memento (stuffed animal, sticker, book, t-shirt) specific to the area you visited may be more appropriate.
Karen Stephens, former director of the Illinois State University Child Care Center, suggests something simpler, which is to leave behind, before you travel, one of your favorite items—like a favorite sweater or photograph, to maintain your presence in the home and make the child feel special. She also suggests leaving small notes around the house to let your child know you are thinking about him or her, or mailing little items such as postcards if you’re away for a long period of time.
Learning to let go can be difficult but important
It’s clear that business travel puts strain on families, but, often, that strain is not only on the children and the at-home caregiver but also on the traveler. Not only does the business traveler have to worry about succeeding in securing that new client or selling a new product, he or she also has to worry about what is happening at home. Many of the suggestions discussed above require a lot of time and energy, so sometimes the best approach is to let go.
In fact, Ricker’s top piece of advice for a traveling mom or dad is to “learn to let go and trust your significant other.” Despite her sofa story and despite being a self-proclaimed “control freak,” Ricker says, “The long and the short of it is that I’m pretty sure [my kids] eat peanut butter and jelly for every meal when I’m stuck in late night meetings or traveling. But I also trust my husband to make sure they are bathed semi-regularly, hopefully make it to school in clean(ish) clothes, and most importantly, I know they go to bed each night knowing they are loved.” Gifts, notes, schedules, and games can all be great tactics for helping your children feel loved, but if you as the traveler are stressed about doing all of these things, your stress could have more of an impact on your kids if you accidentally take it out on them. In such a case, trust the other caregiver and let something go.
The bottom line: Business travel can be fun. Whether parents admit it or not, their travel can give them a break from a crying newborn or a whiny teenager! Yet, travel can also be hard on parents who may feel guilty and miss their children, and it can be difficult for the at-home caregiver. Travel can also cause children to feel unloved, confused, to act out, or to break rules. Many of the approaches parents take will depend on their job, how often they travel, their philosophy of parenting, the at-home caregiver’s own job or lifestyle, and the age of the child. Whether you choose to text your family photos of what you’re doing while on the go or Skype in for the evening book reading and bedtime song, communication and consistency are key. And what might be the best approach of all is to make sure you’re spending quality time with family when you arrive back home.
*A pseudonym has been used for this source (and her child) by her request
It is really hard to travel when you have kids, and I think you captured some really great ways for parents to stay in touch. Thank you for sharing. I know I use Skype all the time when I’m away for business.